Disparate Sisters of the USA
(For Aunt Sonja, whom I love)
Sister Katherine was born with a degenerative tooth disease affecting one singular tooth. As a result, she had one front tooth glaringly missing. Sister Katherine, against all odds, did not give a shit. She smiled big and wide for all to see her Beverly Hillbillies-esque detail. Sister Katherine was guileless and perfect, dedicated to the Sisterhood with a vigor and healthy pride unique to one with such a smile.
In her first year at the nunnery, the sisters of the local ministry met with Sister Katherine regarding her gaping smile. The minutes of the meeting noted the tooth’s visibility, the tooth’s general influence on PR, and any possible solutions that could be brought to the table to aid Sister Katherine in fixing the so-called omission. The Sisters of the abbey concluded that she must find a solution “…at any cost”. (Little did they know that Elly May Clampett was the fairest of them all).
In another abbey, roughly 69 miles away, Sister Naomi adjusted her roller skates under her habit. She glided, quite literally, across the stone floors with ease, like a towering stage prop. The nunnery of Southern Ohio was used to Sisters like this. They didn’t fit the mold. They didn’t give fucks. They consecrated their lives to Jesus and their quirks. The sisters added an addendum to the strict Sisterhood that included the option to make love with another nun, so far as it was not spoken of and clearly enjoyable for both of them. So far, this had not been an issue.
So, Sister Naomi rode her skates like hell, and she rode the nuns with grace.
Roughly 69 miles West of the Mason-Dixon line, Sister Frances took a pilgrimage to “Southern X-posure”, the local sex shop. Mother Superior had sent her a memo stating:
Sister Frances,
Pls pick up 2 rabbits.
Thx,
Mother Superior
The rabbit was thinly-veiled code for the best vibrator the nuns of that region had ever used. Sister Frances rode with haste on her ten speed, gingerly placing her Air Pods in her unfortunately fuzzy ears. She biked with the wind at her heels to “Gimmie that Nutt” by Eazy-E, habit flitting behind.
Around 69 miles away, a nun named Sister Mary reached for her habit after taking a scalding hot shower. She blithely placed it in the toilet and phoned her psychiatrist in Bushwick.
“Did you ever take a day off?”
